John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
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