well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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