I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
