two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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