There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
