The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
