you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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