They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
