i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
