i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
