dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
