theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
