So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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