birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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