so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
