shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
