I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
