Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
