my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
