Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
