i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
soo... how was my night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
