she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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