Say something about gay babies.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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