idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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