i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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