bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
