My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
