I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
