I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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