I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
