something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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