I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize