he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
