went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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