Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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