now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
