Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize