Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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