Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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