remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
