I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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