maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
