Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
