I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize