I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
