is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize