well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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