Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
