david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
