i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
