You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
