so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dicks are not precious.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
