my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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