I accidentally burped into my bong.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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