i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
