Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
