I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
