After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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