evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
