I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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