at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
