Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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