that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
