Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
