I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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