WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
